Wedding planner and venue owner Alison Rios McCrone helps solve your dilemmas, no matter how big or small, in a weekly agony aunt column.
Hi Alison,
My friend Justine is getting married next summer, and when she told me that she wanted me to be part of her bridal party, I was over the moon.
However, my heart sank when she told me that she and her husband-to-me are going to tie the knot in Croatia, a country that means a lot to them.
The problem is that I’m terrified of flying, and haven’t been on a plane since a flight I was on a few years ago had to make an emergency landing.
I’ve tried a few times to travel by air but I’m always too scared – on one occasion I’ve even got to the gate before turning back.
Justine knows this, and I would never expect her to change her wedding plans, but when I told her that I shouldn’t be part of her bridal party because I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it, she was absolutely taken aback. She said that she just assumed I’d ‘get over it’ for her special day, and that if I don’t fly to the wedding I’m just being ‘selfish’.
I’m currently exploring alternative ways to get there via either a train, ferry, or rental car (or maybe a combination of all three!) but even this hasn’t satisfied Justine, who says she wants the whole bridal party to fly out together to start the celebrations early.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Nothing suggests I’ll be ‘cured’ by next year, and I don’t want to miss any part of the wedding, but I need Justine to understand that this isn’t by choice.
Please help!
Paige
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Weddings are joyful occasions – but they’re also incredibly stressful. Whether you’re a bride or groom, best woman or man, family member or friend of the couple, the run up to the big day can be very tense.
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Dear Paige,
It must have been so exciting to be asked to be part of your friend’s wedding day, and at the same time, a shock to learn where the wedding would be.
Developing anxiety about flying after being involved in an emergency landing is understandable and not something that you can easily overcome.
Justine might not fully understand your fears, but that does not make them less valid.
Your feelings are real and important, and it is OK to express them.
Justine’s dream of a Croatian wedding with her bridal party all flying out together is important to her, but she also needs to understand that only some can jump on a plane without a second thought.
As you have several months before the wedding, it may be worth considering how open you are to addressing your fear of flying – and there are several options you could consider to help ease the anxiety.
Many airlines and organisations offer specialised programs to help people overcome flight anxiety. These courses combine education about the mechanics of flying with psychological support, and some even include a supervised flight at the end.
Alternatively, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often an effective way to manage phobias, including the fear of flying. A therapist can work with you to unpack the anxiety and develop coping strategies.
It may also help to practise relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness, which can help calm your body and mind before and during a flight.
If you decide you’re ready to board a plane, consider booking a short domestic flight with a friend before the wedding to help you experience flying again.
Rebuilding your confidence can sometimes improve phobias.
That said – you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to do; and certainly not if it’s going to be traumatic or terrifying for you.
If you know you won’t be boarding a flight – which is entirely understandable – having an open and honest conversation with Justine about your fear is essential. This will help her understand your perspective and the challenges you are facing.
Explain to her that, while you understand her desire for everyone to travel together, your fear is not something you can just dismiss and, as you said, it’s certainly not by choice.
Tell her again that you are willing to seek alternative transport to travel over land and attend her wedding.
This will, presumably, be both expensive and time-consuming for you. While there’s no need to make Justine feel guilty, it may be worth emphasising this to her as a way of reiterating how your determination to attend, no matter how much it costs or how long it takes, shows just how much her friendship means to you.
On that note, have you considered renting a minibus and travelling as a group overland?
This might make the cost more manageable for you and you wouldn’t have to face your fear of flying; plus, road trips can be unforgettable experiences. The bridal party could still enjoy the adventure travelling together. It might be worth suggesting this to Justine as an alternative to flying.
It would allow everyone to bond before arriving in Croatia, travel as a group as Justine wanted, create unique memories, and not restrict everyone to the luggage limitations of flying.
Ultimately, though, you must do what is right for you without putting yourself in a situation that will compromise your mental health. You’re already being a wonderful friend to Justine by offering to make your own way to her wedding – and I have no doubt she will understand this soon, if she doesn’t already.
Whichever mode of transport you use to travel to Croatia, have an incredible adventure.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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